where else can you find a combination esoteric turntable/nuclear reactor/fondue pot? With the exception of the searing heat and occasional fission meltdown it has a really clean sound stage. I have used it for heat in exceptionally cold Winters...BONUS!

The fondue pot option isn't as fun as i expected and not really worth the additional $10K

I must confess, I was rather upset to find there have been no reviews of this Greatest Combination Audio Component And Deathtrap Of All Time since 2008. Upset but not surprised, though. Most have probably died during the all too frequent mass explosions that happen occasionally (occasionally, as in all the time) The Lirpa Turbo Steam Turntable may be the greatest self powered turntable evah but it is also a lethal death machine that will kill you and everyone in the neighborhood, if proper precautions aren't taken. As an early adopter who's managed to survive all these years and enjoy the Turbo Steam Table (or TST, as the dwindling number of owners affectionally call it) superior vinyl sound, I can speak on how to not just survive but enjoy your TST:

!- Place the TST in a different town, or better yet, county.

2- Get the Nuclear Breeder Reactor Powered Cooling Dustcover. Not only prevents the TST from melting your vinyl into a pool of goo, the unit is constructed of the same clear aluminum used on Star Trek starships which helps contain any boiler or reactor explosions. It also helps limit radiation exposure from the dirty breeder reactor. One good reason to place the TST in the next county, or better yet, state

3- Do not get the Solar Wind Powered Farm Supplemental Energy Option. The computer that controls the solar panels goes nuts every now and then and turn it into a Solar Powered Heat Death Ray and try to fry any nearby cities. Plus the wind turbines start spinning at thousands of revolutions per second and fly off trying to slice and dice any towns that manage to escape the heat death ray's fury. I told 'ya it goes nuts. You think I'd make that up? That's why you need to place it in another state, or better yet, country.

4- Don't go cheap on your hazmat suit. After all, you do have to calibrate the Guillotine Tone Arm And Ultra High Voltage Cartridge every other hour. Better yet, hire a couple of schmucks to go do the calibration, Don't go near the TST, make sure it's another country, or better yet, continent.

5- Do purchase the Siren Warning Option as the massive siren which can be heard for thousands of miles around may help save lives n the event of boiler steam explosions or a complete reactor meltdown of the cooling unit's reactor. Yet another reason to make sure your TST is in another continent, or better yet, planet.

6- Consider the optional Orbit Around A distant Planet Like Neptune, Or Better Yet, Pluto installation option. That will insure the TST is on another planet, or better yet, solar system.

7- What ever you do, don't, for the love of Pete try to play any KISS records. The TST hates KISS. It gets very, very angry and tries to destroy the solar system. Hopefully you placed your TST in another solar system, or better yet, galaxy,

Follow these rules and you're guaranteed to improve your odds of surviving the TST to 1 in 5,000,000. Courage.

oulast wrigley's doublemint

doesn't go to work and bring back $$$$ for great lps

Through some kinetic-surreal spiraled cosmos life, I was blessed with a pre-war Lirpa.

Starts here in early childhood. I just thought it was the main stove / heater / letter opener but we always had some lifeline tie to it as it was not just any stove. Seems this thing could do it all. Mom and Dad never fought over it as it proved multi-tasking to the greatest of marital blessings.
Mom could be curing bacon and raisin' the donut batter while Dad had other duties for this blessings of blessings.
He had the moderately priced optional "Lirpa romanian work for hire package" always working in the deeper boiler areas (when they weren't shoveling the coal into the main boiler) blowing glass and machining the grids and plates necessary while keeping the toxic fumes of the vacuum gas isolated in the Lirpa Isolation Depot (LID) for the 12AXT / ECC83s he made and sold whilst on vacation in England. Called the things Musically Unmatched Lower Lirpa Audio Radio Dimension Servers. We just called 'em MULLARDS for short. Did rather well in the late 60s with clients such as crazy looking electric guitarist being the main customers. He did give nice pairs of power tubes to friends over cigars and old scotch.

I had other ideas. I noticed the "included in the sales" pitch of a Lirpa 103 platter and highly marbled plinth and rockin tone arm /cartridge.
Let me set this straight here: I always wondered when my new friends came over, why they immediately would drop their jaws and then glance my way with that "schmirck." Yes, that "schmirck!" Any child who grew up with a true Lirpa would testament to this "schmirck" I had to live with.
UNTIL.........I showed them the beautiful audio system the package included. There we were with our brand new HEMISPHERES lps and, I really have to say,
this was the coolest thing in my life, ................ I HAD THE LIRPA 103!
Brand new....all to myself and friends! I even relocated it to my room where it ran off the Vacuumed Electric Neuron Transformer system (VENT) Dad would always say to himself he just had to have. For maybe later!

Dad always said this thing could do anything given a few good days of rest and the ol "default" 36 hour Steam Torque Amalgamated Re-Turn Upload Pragmatics (STARTUP.) Those and a little "smarts and noodles" as he would say. Always made those Monday and Tuesday sub below schoold mornings rather hateful as the Lirpa had to rest.

So here I still have the Lirpa 103 set in my listening room. Dina has the stove of her dreams and I have the 103! Life is good boy!
The records that have been played on this friend of mine.....oh my! More great ones than one can list.............
Thinking of the cost involved to acquire a lovely one? Don't worry about the kids college needs. Just take the pen and sign it away.......
New product offers all types of very usable household jobs as well.

Customer Service

never went down with all mainteance up to snuff

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The Rolling Stones

Milli Vanilli

The Lirpa Labs Lirpa Turbo Steam Table is the closest mankind has come to creating a machine of audio perfection. It is the only audio device, analogue or digital, that not only manages to maintain total audio fidelity, but actually augments and improves the sound, in realtime, as it is played. My copy of The White Album sounded superb as it was complemented by a thirty-piece choir and parts of DJ DangerMouse’s Grey Album. A copy of the Beach Boy’s – Pet Sounds, was left entirely intact but was somehow half an hour longer, and when I played a copy of Leona Lewis’ ‘Bleeding Love’ miraculously it played Janis Joplin’s Greatest Hits. Wonderful.

Customer Service

Non-existent

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The Hand of God

Winston Churchill's Brain.

The Guassian Juncture.

The Lirpa Labs Lirpa Steam Table is the closest mankind has come to creating a machine of audio perfection. It is the only audio device, analogue or digital, that not only manages to maintain total audio fidelity, but actually augments and improves the sound, in realtime, as it is played. My copy of The White Album sounded superb as it was complemented by a thirty-piece choir and parts of DangerMouse’s Grey Album. A copy of the Beach Boy’s – Pet Sounds, was left entirely intact but was somehow half an hour longer, and when I played a copy of Leona Lewis’ ‘Bleeding Love’ miraculously it played Janis Joplin’s Greatest Hits. Wonderful.

Customer Service

Very Poor.

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Fabulous acoustics. Built like a doomsday device (the repeating model). A real crowd-pleaser when operating.

Overpowering smells of ozone and hydrazine. Pops and ticks from combusting cartridge coolant have blown our infra-hypo-subwoofer drivers. Wanna hear a German laugh? Call BASF and ask what it'd cost to have'm UPS you some "schwerer Fluessigwasserstoff". Possible health risks. Definite drop in property value. Parts availability poor.

I now admit that I am uncertain if I did indeed get a genuine Lirpa. Let's simply say: I was once quite wealthy and in shining health.
No more. Alas!
Chassis one is pretty straightforward: the Outboard Power Supply. I was a bit creeped out by the deep inscription in the fuel-fill archway: "Analog macht Frei." Took WEEKS and two tankcars of caustic soda to clean the firepit until the burners gleamed. The effort cost me the friendship of the team of mechanics who had worked for me for nearly two decades restoring main battle tanks. That's how traumatic it was.
Chassis two took some figuring out. While ostensibly a steam turbine, we soon found that truly great soundstaging required the use of 90% hydrogen peroxide. I had grown used to the high operating cost of a commitment to great audio by maintaining the Krasniy Oktyabr monobloc amps (see review elsewhere) fabricated from the back half of that Typhoon sub that doesn't exist. (Saves on taxes, but I miss my hair.) After two spectacular platter-speed excursions, and that famous bit of double-talk to a suspicious Katie Couric, the team added some new-tech luxury and safety features, like a lid for the peroxide tank (a word to the wise - Do not use gadolinium, pure or in alloy.) And an electro-hydraulic replacement for the permanganate injector clockwork. Once we had ironed out those wrinkles .... it was time to spin some wax!!
But the lawyers are still wrangling over damages for turning half of Dilhoal County's registered voters permanently and legally blond.
That brings us to chassis three - the tone"arm" and cartridge. The arm needed some restoring. Remarkably, the spare parts from two T-34s we'd picked up at a garage sale in Krakow came in real handy.
The cartridge appears to be a high-mass, no-compliance assembly built around the moving-singularity principle. The stylus looked relatively unworn, but it still bebefited from a few weeks' touch-up with a rail-mounted plasma torch. In the process we uncovered the manufacturer's marks.
Reichsforschungsamt
(Strafabteilung) Jan Mayen
s.u. Geheimindustrie der (SS logo)
VORSICHT Neutronengefahr

Well. That explained the box lunches we found - mummified without one hint of rot. The upside was that my extensive vinyl collection would remain well-preserved. It also made clear that the massive ribbed porcelain supports for the tonearm cable weren't for show only.
We had a time of it finding the right cartridge coolant. Necessity therefor was suggested by the vacuum-insulated reservoir cryptically marked "Kuehlfluessigkeit hier anfuellen".
We re-tubed the phono stage, adapting non-OE parts a buddy at CERN found us under a half-completed W-nought detector at the mothballed Supercollider site. Unfortunately, our audio nemesis in Brunei had bought the last few Musicaps rated for 1.2 MV (yes megavolts, to match the cartridge's output rating).
No need to go on. You've seen the "History's Mysteries" episode. Please come visit the crater. The admittance fees are keeping us in chemotherapy.

Customer Service

Woo-hoo!

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also makes a great shpincter bleacher

not supplied with soul retrevial jigsaw

probably the finest solid state steam rotary all wheel drive dust cover ever to come out boomphuk papua new guinea . a testament to the cane furniture mines quest for world domination

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ky

Damn good portal to hell itself

If I tell, they'll hurt me.

Whatever you do, avoid this terror trap. It is a portal for the 32nd dimension, worms crawl out of it, and make the babies cry. Ah, god, they're coming again - not the noodles, not the noodles.

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Are you kidding me!

Re-sale value, deductibilty value, better than nothing

Price per pound, environmentally hazardous, limited color selection, faulty steam safety valve, overheating,

In a word, this is one piece of machinery that can only add size to the most advanced monaural sound system. I had used the Lirpa April 47 eight-track for years, never realizing their technology preceded the classic tape industry. (As a side note, I always thought the April 47 model was the 47th design but it actually honors Dr. Lirpa’s 47th daughter. But I digress.) I was suspicious of steam technology, but was pleasantly surprised at its multi-tasking capabilities, especially the pastrami slicing. Lirpa’s approach of nuclear powering the direct drive was a surprise eliminating my fears of putting the kettle on boil to get it started. I’m told Lirpa Labs makes only one steam turntable every year, each one different. Well I wish they’d tried to down size it as mine weighs in at a hefty 29,921 lbs. Living in Rochester, NY I had to transport it from Tampoon’s Antique shop and 7-Eleven in Del Ray Beach, CA. I contacted an old Air Force buddy who arranged for the C5A. The big problem, once I got it to Buffalo’s airport, was transporting it down the thruway to Rochester (our airport flies only east to west.) George Pataki offered the National Guard to dismantle 17 HUMVEES and reconstruct them into a single transport that straddled the divider with 32 right wheels in the eastbound lane and the other 32 in the west lanes. The remaining four wheels were added to the rear on wheelie bars in case we over accelerated. Naturally, the Governor helped close the thruway for the nine day trip. It would have been quicker had we not had to dismantle the bridges and remove the final toll booth station. Overall, the trip was, how shall I say it… uneventful. I apologize for digressing again. Getting it on to the house was easy. I only had to add one I-beam to our two-story colonial (now a ranch I might add.) Wiring took a bit of creativity by running a direct line from the Ginna nuclear plant to jump start it so the single steam cylinder could kick in. I have experienced one negative. Big Dave’s comment, “the ants... always the ants!” Well, I can put up with them. Actually, I’m tired of not being able to turn it off as there’s an incessant vibration throughout our whole house. It has put a constant smile on my wife’s face but we’re tired of feeding our dachshunds all this freakin’ pastrami. You can’t imagine the weight they’ve gained. But I digress again. An unexpected benefit is its well oiled teakwood base that nicely compliments the tan siding and what’s left of the brown shingles. In research, I have learned that the 40 year old grove of teak trees was just ripe for harvesting. A word of warning to those considering a Lirpa… the stylus wear may surprise you. Unlike the standard diamond styli used by more well known manufacturers such as the British firm Moorcock and Cordwainer, LTD, the Lirpa steamtable requires the more costly German Phelge, Boisbaudran und Unterdachel component. The sound reproduction is well worth the extra money although replacing the 7 foot stylus after one full revolution can be a bit pricey. I’d recommend buying them in bulk direct from Phelge, et al. Then you have one more reason to build that hanger in the yard for extra storage. In closing, I can’t say enough for this critical piece of mass that completes my sound system. With my Lirpa eight track, the Pilkney Windtunnel stackable 63” speakers, powered by my Arthgardner and Swelkin mini receiver, I can proudly says I have the loudest system on the block. To pick one descriptive word is impossible but if I must choose one, it would be, “Well done Dr. Lirpa and your fine engineers as well as congratulations on your 47th daughter. All of you have contributed to a monumental step in adding size to the reproduction of all recorded music but also in adding to the bulk of equipment on the market. As your logo says, “If it’s a Lirpa steamtable, you can use it.”

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Can transcribe Nazi Code, Anti-Matter Algorithms, Tchaikovsky and speeches made by President Bush.

Donut Batter

as I was saying... the forks swept down under the Lirpa's heavy guage steel frame and lifted it with a shriek up onto the flatbed truck, which I wasn't sure for a moment would take the weight. Clearly the Lirpa's internal Babylon Balancing magnets had been damaged and the neutron star they encased was becoming unstable. We had to get this monster safely into the aircraft hanger before the ancient Eygptian magnets gave way completely and the entire Solar System was sucked in upon itself. It was a terrifying six hours but we finally had the turntable safely (or as near as dammit) installed in the hanger. The truck was completely beyond repair and we decided that we should use it for parts to rebuild the Lirpa. I couldn't wait - I checked back behind the main gantry and sure enought there hung some Lirpa patented spelunking gear. So I covered myself in basting oil, shovelled away the cigarette butts and lowered myself through the aft stylus hatch and into the dark. My God it was a mess. The radially ionised spun metal arm was so full of donut batter that it took me three hours to abseil down as far as the Guassian juncture. The depleted uranium counterbalance was still in place, but was now embedded deep in the batter. I could see the bodies of hundreds of guatamalan pygmies perfectly preserved their biscuity tomb, coal shovels still in their little hands at the ready. I shed a tear, and pressed on - the poor little blighters never stood a chance. There it was, I'd hadn't ever really even hoped that it might still be intact. There perfectly preserved in donut batter was the fabled Mark II customised Ortofon cartridge, its three foot Asymetric Interactive Couplers still clasping a near perfect EQS Mk II Gold needle with it's atom-perfect diamond tip balanced upon the two halves of what could only be Winston Churchill's brain. The fabled Lirpa Mrk II deluxe, the stuff of legends and supposedly lost during the last war when Lirpa lent it to the British to help decode German intelligence transcripts. I can't believe my luck.

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